


Out of the Darkness

by CureMoose



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 00:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13283514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CureMoose/pseuds/CureMoose
Summary: Kotori is Nico's safety and warmth, but at times she needs some moments of solitude to remember just how much she matters.





	Out of the Darkness

There was no light now save for the moon aglow, its pale beams shining through the windows and casting white light on Kotori as she slept. Nico’s fingers caressed the top of her head, brushed off the bangs that covered Kotori’s messy hair. The curtains fluttered with the cold wind, and Kotori shivered, turned in her bed. Nico gently covered her with a thick blanket, then gave her girlfriend a kiss, her lips softly touching her forehead.

Today had been hard for her. When Kotori came back home from college, she collapsed on the couch, right on top of Nico, her arms spread wide open. She didn’t mind at all, of course, though she’d have appreciated some warning before Kotori threw herself on her. Nico just kissed her all over, and patiently listened to Kotori complain about her day: three different exams in the same day, two in the morning and one in the afternoon, _and_ she dropped her bag on the bus back home when someone bumped on her. _You poor thing, you_ , Nico had told her, and offered her all manner of sweet comforts, from snuggles to pats to chocolates fed directly into her mouth. So, when Kotori said she was going to take a bath and go to bed, Nico arranged half a dozen soft pillows for her, and all that Kotori did before falling on bed was to open the windows, cold thought it may be outside, and she fell asleep just like that, shrunk up on her half of the bed, her mouth open.

Nico smiled at her as she slept. She was not sleepy yet, though joining Kotori was quite tempting. She would have liked to spend some more time with Kotori, but she understood. It was just a bad day; Nico had bad days of her own, and Kotori had always been there for her, she had always been good.

Before she crashed onto the bed, Kotori had invited Nico to come with her, but she still had some work to do, an article to finish writing about some up-and-coming idol group from a small town. The magazine had asked for two thousand words from Nico, and even a super idol like her had to observe deadlines. Though right now she wasn’t in a group of her own anymore, Nico couldn’t bear to be away from the world she loved, and she was more than glad to lend her expertise and knowledge to Idol Time Monthly and any other publication that showed even half the passion she did for idols. And the pay was good, too. When the writing was hard, that was what kept Nico going.

She closed the door behind her as she left, and returned to her laptop, but when her fingers were upon the keyboard, they froze. She checked her word count. Still eleven hundred words to go. _Shit._ She sighed. She didn’t consider, even for a moment, to just fill up space with empty words, difficult though this work may be, even as she was bored to tears by it. She knew from her time with μ's that idols lived and died by the quality of the publicity they got, and word of mouth. If she wrote anything but her very best, her most heartfelt, she’d be doing those girls a disservice. She hadn’t seen them in person, but she’d heard their material, and read some of their interviews as well as the promotional material they had sent to Idol Time Monthly. She had enough to work with, it’s just that sometimes work got really hard. Especially when Kotori was just there, just thin walls and a door separating her and Nico. And it _was_ chilly, perfect to cuddle together…

Nico shook her head. _Focus! Think about the work_ , she told herself, _and not about the beautiful angel not even five meters away from you._

_Shit._

She sent her editor a sloppy email asking for her to add another day to her deadline. An email was more formal than a text, so Nico figured she’d not look like a complete bum. Only mostly a bum. She leaned back on her chair, but couldn’t wait for an answer. She saw that it was not yet quite so late, so she got up, wore her shoes, picked up her keys and phone and left. On the elevator, she put on her earbuds and listened to the songs by the group she had to write about. Perhaps that’d inspire her. And there was something she wanted to do. Something she remembered.

A walk in the dark, in the middle of the night, beneath the moonlight. It was an almost romantic idea, to roam the empty streets, twilight peering down on her and the world like a thin black veil. It was cold outside the apartment, and there the chilly winds kissed her, and she longed for the warmth of Kotori, but instead of turning back she walked forward, aimless. She took off her earbuds for a minute, and saw that save for her footsteps and the wind wending through the maples, there was no sound at all. Even now there was something of solemn in this silence, a wistful nostalgia she could not explain or justify. Nico shivered. This was the feeling she had come for, the sadness she wanted to remember tonight.

Before μ's, she walked under the night sky twice a week, sometimes more, when her heart ached. It helped her think, even though most of her thoughts then were as gloomy as the skies above her. She always felt alone, even though she was always around people, so the solitude of her nocturnal roaming was welcome. At home she had her siblings to care for, and at school she had to spend each of her days right next to the people who had abandoned her, the ones who killed her dream. They tried to remain friends at first, but Nico’s bitterness drove them away. Slowly the darkness crept towards her, slowly she shrunk into the distance, away from everyone, so when she began to spend her nights walking aimlessly, just so she could have time to be truly alone, it was hardly new to her.

_At least this solitude was of my making._

She went around a corner, saw a bus stop, a convenience store still open, a garbage can that was a bit too full. Everywhere the streets looked the same, Nico came to realize, especially when it’s dark. The surroundings of her home were just like this. The only difference was that during the day these streets were often filled with college students. But at night they were all the same. Nico walked into the store, and left with a tiny bag of candies. As she ate them, she grimaced when she realized they were not like the ones she ate when she was still home. There she bought the cheapest ones, the ones she could afford, and she grew used to their taste. She ate them all the same, or at least most of them.

It was best not to stay out for too long. Kotori was asleep, but if she woke, for whatever reason, and couldn’t find Nico, she’d be lonely. Nico turned back at once when she thought of that. She didn’t want Kotori to ever feel alone. No one deserved that, especially not one as sweet as Kotori. She doubted that she’d be _that_ saddened, and of course Kotori would know to wait, but Nico made it a point for the two to always be together when they woke. To Nico, it was comforting, and to Kotori, it was the cutest most romantic gesture ever. Thinking of that made Nico smile. Kotori had always accepted all of her feelings, had always loved them, even the silly, clingy ones.

Nico made her way back to the apartment, listening to the music again, feeling quite inspired. It was a love song this time. She was happy to come back, now, but years ago, it was her family she returned to, to the lie she made for them. They could never conceive that Nico was so miserable, so alone, such a failure, not an idol at all, so when she came back she had to put on her smile again. A forced smile, a falsehood, a despicable fake. But now the smile was true. She wasn’t alone anymore, thanks to μ's, thanks to Kotori.

 _Ah. So this is why I came._ Sometimes she’d get so immersed in her reminiscence that she’d forget why she even left. _To remember how far I’ve come._ She remembered the days she was like a ghost, haunting without purpose, for lack of hope and of future. It was a painful thing to remember, but Nico didn’t want to forget, not ever. It was part of her, after all, but there was another reason…

When she came back to Kotori, she felt the purest joy she knew, the greatest relief and safety. She never understood it when Nico explained it to her, though of course she never seemed to judge. It was just that sometimes Nico like to make herself feel that longing and that sadness, so that when she returned, when Kotori’s arms were around her and she whispered sweet nothings, when they were warm together, Nico felt even happier.  She felt all the relief that she felt when Kotori extended her hand to her, and Nico took it.

 _I’m not a ghost anymore. I’m not a sad empty thing, isolated and lost. And I’m never alone_.

She got back home, and she knew what she’d write. She remembered how idols were her last comfort, and thought of all the little things that kept her going even when the rest of the world seemed to be gone. She could write about that. She could write about these feelings, about how these songs, so full of passion, meant so much to her.

_Yeah. I bet I can get like two hundred words out of that. Cool._

She got a response to her email, from her editor. Truly, that woman had a gift to communicate her frustration and annoyance through perfectly neutral words. Nico would be impressed if it wasn’t directed at her. Still, she got another day. This was a problem for tomorrow now.

Tonight it was Kotori she wanted. Nico opened the bedroom door as delicately as she could, and got dressed into her pajamas. After brushing her teeth, she closed the windows, then snuck into bed, but when she made herself snug and close to her girlfriend, her socks brushed up against Kotori’s bare legs, and she opened her eyes.

“Hey,” Kotori said, the word lengthened in lethargy.

“Hey. Did I wake you up?” It was a stupid question, but Nico asked it anyways.

“Mh-hm.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Kotori’s lips smiled, but her sleepy eyes did not. They were only half-open, and quite weary. “You coming to bed now, love?”

“Yeah. I went out for a while. Brought you back some candy.”

“Was it candy you bought for me, or candy you bought for yourself but couldn’t finish?” She asked. When Nico didn’t answer, Kotori laughed, then yawned.

Nico loved Kotori’s sleepy laughter. She loved all the ways she laughed, of course, but this was a particularly good one. It made Nico want to smooch her, so she did just that.

“Did I ever tell you I love you with all my heart and that I’m thankful for you?”

“You tell me you love me every day,” Kotori said, opening her eyes. Nico laid next to her, and the two came closer. “But the being thankful part is not that common. You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. I just remembered that, and wanted to tell you. I thought it was important.”

“It is, and I’m really happy to hear that, love. Now come here. I wanna fall asleep while holding you, and I’m kind of about to pass out.”

Nico let Kotori’s arms fold around her, because how could she ever say no to that? She kissed her lover goodnight and closed her eyes, immersing herself in Kotori’s warmth. She felt safe to be here, after remembering the sadness she felt once. But it was gone now. Now, all was well.


End file.
